I read this article and found out how old fashioned I am.  And how glad I am for that.  And I believe my sons are glad too.  The article below was written in 1959. 

Not only do I agree with this article, it has been my goal as a parent to instill understanding that you are blessed to BE a blessing in our four sons.  And let me tell you, most of the time I feel like I am swimming upstream!  Between the 24/7 options of media and easy access to electronic devices on which to watch all that media, raising children whose sole goal is not to be entertained is no battle for the faint of heart.  And it certainly will not happen without an ACTION plan.  If we as parents do not lead them in a different way, the default path is the path of entertainment and entitlement.

So how do we do this?  I'm sure there are many approaches but all I can do is share some of mine. 

1.  Limit electronics - When the kids were younger, we did Popsicle sticks, each worth 30 minutes.  They received a new batch each week.  As they got older, it felt too childish and I expected them to be able to start self-managing a bit.  But if they didn't, then I would hide the controllers or the power cord for a week or sometimes more.  Always, we started off the first week of summer with "No Electronic Week" and would have it regularly throughout the year.  Getting summer off to a good start was crucial for setting the tone of creativity. 

What I discovered is if I said, "Enough electronics.  Go outside and play."  They would turn them off but they could not change gears.  Their brain was still in the game.  They were still thinking it was an option to return to the game later in the day and it was like they didn't want to "loose their place" in their strategy or location or whatever the game entailed.  But if electronics was not an option for the rest of the day or an entire week, they could easily engage in something else.  They would make up a new game on the trampoline, start a book, build a fort, play baseball, start a Monopoly game.  Unplugging would unleash their creativity and increase their connectivity with their friends and each other.

2.  Delay phones.  Our oldest did not get his first phone until he was a sophomore in high school.  The others it was 8th grade for a text only phone and high school for their first smart phone - but only if they could pay for it and the data plan.  Truly, if I could do it again,  I would push this decision off even longer.  Smart phones are a bear to manage for a teenager.  They are a constant distraction with notifications and access to way too much information through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, text messages, e-mail, Vine.  Everyone's life at any given moment can be better or worse than ours, and is publicized for the world to see.  It creates a constant swing between pride and envy and, in my opinion, sets kids up for an identity crisis. 

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3. Talk about what they are exposed to.  Drew and Dean were at an age when cell phones were just becoming part of children's lives.  We postponed that as long as possible but for Grant, he was the last person in his class to get a cell phone in 8th grade.  He now has a smart phone that he paid for.  So now Grant and I have a LOT of discussions, mostly about identity.  I have given up trying to control a 16 year old's access to his phone all day and work diligently and proactively to engage him in discussions about what things he is being bombarded with on that phone (as well as other media).  We have had some great discussions about why people do what they do, post what they do and chase after the herd.  We discuss what people who are driven by insecurity will do and why they do it.  Junior High and High School has always been about identity.  When I was young, the rumor mill was plenty active to spread the good and bad decisions everyone was making and influencing everyone to head down the same path of destruction - or not.  Now the kids can have minute-by-minute reporting, live photos and 7 second full color videos of social drama, poor choices and victimization.  The good news is you can also see feed from those who are making great choices, inspiring others and are going against the grain.  As parents, we must encourage our children to be the latter and keep reminding them this is who they are!

4.  Get them busy serving.  This can look a lot of different ways.  It might be volunteering.  It might be getting a job.  It might be chores around the house.  It might be cooking the family meal.  It really should mean all of the above.  We have volunteered our boys to many people over the years.  "If you need someone to mow your yard, take care of your plants or pets, shovel your drive, load your moving van, unload your moving van, babysit, give a tennis lesson, move furniture around, play guitar, help lead ministry etc. etc., please call us.  We have big strapping young men at our house!"  I have lost track of how many times we have sent the boys, often with dad leading the way, to help someone with a need for additional physical labor.  We have sent them around the neighborhood with flyers offering help and posted their availability on Facebook (now that's a good use of electronics). 

Children need REAL opportunities to serve.  There are plenty all around.  Some require more organization than others and some will appeal to one child, but not to another.  But it is so important for parents to realize that for most children, this does NOT come naturally.  They must be taught.  And the way to teach them is to make sure they have opportunities.  Real, vital, opportunities.  Opportunities where they can see that their contribution made a difference in someone's life.  The boys have returned from several excursions where they helped someone move in our out of their house saying, "I don't know how they would have done that without us."   Playing a vital role in someone's life builds true identity and self-confidence.

Cooking the family meal is a daily need, vital to our family, and makes a real contribution to the family.  It is a huge blessing and my children know it.  It is a sacrifice of service on their part but they gain as well.  They gain confidence, accolades, a skill, time to connect around the table, maturity, unselfishness, and the real, experiential understanding that they were created to contribute, create and make a difference.  They learn the satisfaction of being a blessing.  The Hey Mom I'll Start Dinner cookbook has become a powerful parenting tool in our home to give our sons the opportunity to establish their identity as one who is blessed to be a blessing and give them opportunity to practice.

                                              Buy your copy now of Hey Mom I'll Start Dinner.

Our family has been cooking together now for about three years and whining about it is a thing of the past.  But that was certainly not the case when we first started.  Do you ever feel like whining wears you down and keeps you from doing the parenting you know needs to be done in the way you need to do it?  I know I have.

Why do kids (and us) whine?  I think it helps to realize that whining is the outward manifestation of internal selfishness and fear.  It is a protective measure we use to try to regain control and get back the status quo or what we want.  It is never healthy because it sets us up as the victim and not the victor.  It focuses on the negative and not the positive.  So teaching our children (and ourselves) not to whine is definitely something parents need to be actively pursuing.

What happens if we don't teach them?  Who do you work with that likes to whine and complain and not do their fair share?  Is this the person you want your child to become?  Of course not.  Overcoming whining is all about learning self-control and positive self-talk.  And like most positive character attributes, it doesn't necessarily come naturally, but through life opportunities and teachable moments.  If, when those teachable moments come, whining works, we are teaching poor character.  If it does not, we are teaching strong character and self-control.  It really is as simple as that.  But "the how" can feel hard.

In our home, whining was typically the result of being asked to do something around the house when my children had something else they would rather be doing.  Whether that might be cleaning their room, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, setting the table or emptying the dishwasher.  "Why do I have to?" or "But I was going to...." were oft-heard phrases as our kids grew up.  They were also great score keepers.  "But I did it last time!"  Or it would come when they were asked to do something they had never done before.  "But I don't know how!"  (Hear: I might fail and be humiliated.)

I could go into great detail and stories of what we tried and how it all played out, but let me just cut to the chase and tell you what worked for us:

1.  It's all about identity.  If we give into whining, we are basically saying to our children, "The world revolves around you and your needs."  That is simply not true.  We are all here to be a blessing and make the world a better place.  So my response when my children would whine was, "You are here on this earth to be a blessing and it is in my mom job description to teach you how and provide opportunities for you to practice."  Believe it or not, this really works!  Children need to know that you believe in them, have high expectations for them and expect them to make a positive difference to everyone around them!  It's not about them being "bad" as much as it is them not realizing they are "good."

2.  Consistency.  If one gets away with it and another doesn't, that is setting up for resentment between your children.  Everyone needs to have age-appropriate consequences for whining. 

3.  Consequences.  Since whining was usually about work I was asking them to do, my response to whining was more work.  "What I was asking you to do was actually not very much but you are acting like it would take you hours and hours to do.  So now we will arrange for you to have hours and hours of work to do, so the next time I ask you to ______ you will understand just how little of a thing it is."  And I would create lots of ways for them to help me that day.  I have found this to be much more effective than taking something away.  If they continue to whine, the list gets longer.  It's very important not to go into whining mode yourself as you work side-by-side but rather either keep quiet or use it as an opportunity to talk about other things or turn on some music.

4.  Safety.  I can't tell you how many times, while I was explaining something to them they will need to know to complete a job I am asking them to do, my sons would whine, "How am I supposed to know that?"  As though my instructions were indicating they were not smart enough.  So I learned to preface the instruction with, "I know this is your first time to do this, so let me tell you some things that would be helpful for you to know that most kids your age, don't know.  I don't want you to learn the hard way.  I want to set you up for success. "  Children are always glad to know things and be good at things most kids their age don't.   But even with the proactive teaching there is often an "I can't do this!" that follows if it doesn't come easily or naturally the first time.  My standard reply to that is.  "That's what you used to say about _____ (i.e riding your bike) and now look at you!  You'll get this too!"

That is why I wrote the cookbook like I did.  It is written to set them up for success, to tell them things most kids (and a lot of adults) don't know and remind you as a parent, what to proactively teach them so they have every chance to succeed and not become frustrated.

5.  Affirmation.  When they do what you've asked them to do, with our without whining, be sure to thank them and let them know how much it helped you and the family and what an important part of the team they are.  How did their contribution make a difference?  Let them know!  Prove to them with your words that it is more blessed to give than receive.  Compliment them around others.  "Doesn't the lawn look nice?  Drew mowed it this morning."  "You should see Dean's room.  It looks so good."  "The kitchen looks great, don't you think? Grant really did a great job getting everything cleaned up after dinner." 

I love having the kids cook because it becomes a life lab assignment where character can be taught.  After the newness wears off, they are going to whine when it is their turn to cook.  Don't be surprised.  Don't let it deter you.  It is a great opportunity to teach character.  I promise if you stick with it, the whining will end and they will become better people because of it.  My children still do not ask me when they get to cook next.  But they do not complain when they have to.  They are proud they can make a difference.  They enjoy our gratitude of their contribution.  And they understand the joy that comes from serving others. 

Last night we returned from an event and Grant was washing the dishes - unprompted, unasked, willingly, with the music turned up and singing while he worked.  I was so proud of him and told him so.  His response, "No problem.  I was bored anyway."  Understated blessing to be sure.  Proactive parenting is worth the journey. 

Here's a fun game you can play while you are cooking and cleaning up the kitchen together.  The goal is to try to think of ten things in the category of your choice.  Can be played in teams or as a group.  Make up your own rules for how to keep score but playing as one group keeps the cooperative spirit alive.  See how fast you can come up with ten.
You can make up your own categories but here are some to get you started:
Name Ten...

1. Sugary cereals
2. Foods that America has to import
3. States on the ocean
4. Disney movies
5. States touching Canada or Mexico
6. Flavors of soda
7. Restaurants that specialize in pizza
8. Restaurants that specialize in burgers
9. Musicians that have stood the test of time
10. Places you would like to vacation but never have
11. Top family memories
12. Famous Olympians
13. Important turning points in history
14. Things parents say when they don't have a good reason or time to explain their good reason for not letting you do something.
15. Ways to help a neighbor or friend
16. States that are all touching
17. Numbers that divide evenly by 3
18. Favorite movies
19. Ways to make a new friend
20. Ways to help your teacher

That should give you a good start!  What categories can you make up?

I have to admit, I can't really take credit for building the fun into our meal time team.  I give Drew and Dean credit for that.  All my kids love music (and I do take credit for that as well as a big thank you to their music director, Mr. Miller) and because our den computer is right next to the kitchen, if Dean or Drew were on clean up duty after supper, they would start iTunes and crank up the music to help them "endure" the pain and suffering we were inflicting on them.  Typically at least two, if not all three boys had some role to play after dinner to help clean up.  We sort of have this unwritten rule that if you prepare dinner, you shouldn't have to do much of the cleaning.  The one who violates the rule the most is my husband Mark, who often willingly does both.  But he is the saint in our home and the rest of us haven't yet reached this level of unselfishness.  :)

So the music is blaring and Micah, at five,  was learning to sing and dance to "I love Rock N Roll" instead of Twinkle Little Star  but the camaraderie and joy makes it worth it.  (We practiced Twinkle Little Star between meals.)  And Grant, at 12, was seeing his older brothers make the best of a less than desirable (in an adolescent boy's mind) situation.

I'm thankful to Mr. Miller for helping our sons have an appreciation of all kinds of music.  We do have a rule that no heavy metal or inappropriate lyrics can be blaring through the house.  But thanks to Mr. Miller's encouragement, enjoying all kinds of music has never been a problem.   They might choose a Disney movie sound track, Les Miserable sound track, Weird Al, a new artist I'd never heard of, a recording from the Sing-Off or some of their favorite Christian or pop songs.  I have discovered some wonderful artists through them that I would probably otherwise never have known of without our "after dinner music."

What would make this time fun in your home?  It might be music.  Maybe it's the time when you listen to an audio book together and you can't listen any other time except when you are working together in the kitchen. (I know people who motivate themselves to exercise this way because they can't wait to see how it ends.)  Or DVR a favorite show and watch while you are washing and drying and only then.  We also love to blare Joseph Prince and imitate him when he says his words funny or repeat in our best Asian accent "Hallelujah". (Dean has it down perfectly).  Maybe its the time to rehash the last big game or make up knock knock jokes. It could be the perfect time for some games like I Spy, Name 10 Things That Are... or Twenty Questions. How about dreaming together:  If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go?  If you had a million dollars, what would you do?

We are bombarded with distractions that take family members to their separate corners, often with their eyes on an electronic device.  The more time we can spend with each other, instead of in proximity to each other, the healthier our family will be.  The times we spend working together are just as valuable as the times we spend playing together, possibly more.  When we make work fun, we receive an extra blessing!  We all hear report after report indicating the benefit to families to eat dinner together.  How much more so when the family meal become a family event where every member plays a vital role.  

Rather than trying to figure out how to carve out more family time, take some time to think about how to carve out more family involvement into what is already being done.  The benefits are incredible and you will be so glad you did!  Plus when you all work together, you create more time and energy and money (less eating out) for the fun stuff!

Enjoy this YouTube video that went viral!  This boy totally gets that helping in the kitchen can be fun!  (Sneaky mom with the video but now that he's famous, maybe he's okay with it!)  In our family, singing is more prevalent than dancing.  Guess it's time to set up the hidden camera!

We are all born selfish creatures.  Every need we have must be met by someone else from the second we are born.  From that point forward, it is our job as parents to teach our children how to become independent, generous, unselfish people.  Obviously this looks different at different ages but the goal is to teach our kids that they are, as we say in our house, blessed to be a blessing.  

But let's be realistic.  Unselfishness and thinking of others does not come naturally to 99% of children.  And while to some degree they can learn by example, we have to be careful that being unselfish, generous parents doesn't result in spoiled children.  Because truthfully, the more we give, the more it seems they sometimes seem to feel entitled to have.

It is perfectly normal for children to take their parents for granted and have no concept of what it takes to keep a household running, raise children, earn income, educate, teach, etc. etc.  But we do them no favors if we leave them ignorant.  And the best way to help them appreciate their many blessings is to make them a part of them.  And teach them it truly is more blessed to give than receive.  A good way to begin that is by having your child help with what we call "chores."

I have tried numerous approaches to "chores" in our house as my children have grown up.  Some, like daily charting, were wildly unsuccessful in my home but work great for others.  What seemed to work better for us was just noticing the need at the moment and assigning it to a child.   

During the school year chores typically involve the family meal and weekend housekeeping. The jobs of setting the table and getting drinks for everyone, clearing the table, putting the leftovers away, loading and unloading the dishwasher were rotated around.  On the weekends, everyone has to change their sheets and help clean a bathroom.  Every other week, they have to clean their room.  They also help mow the lawn, shovel snow, rake leaves, weed the garden, harvest the garden, and babysit Micah.  We started with all of these things before we began asking them to help with dinner.  But that is mostly because I didn't think of the meal thing earlier! :)

If your children have never helped around the house, it's time to ramp up your expectation.  But don't expect smiles and hallelujah's from them.  Expect resistance.  This is normal.  But persevere.  Here are some of my favorite phrases to resistance:
Q: Why do I have to?                        
A:  Because you were created to be a blessing to others and you need to practice.

Q: Why do I have to do everything?  
A: I can arrange for you to do everything so you can see how little I actually ask of you.  To start with you can (come up with at least three things you were going to do that day that now they can either do with you or for you.)
OR - my favorite if you have multiple children who can help
A:  Everyone else is off the hook tonight.  ______ wants to see what it feels like to do everything.  (And have the one who complains do the others' chores for them.)

Q: Why doesn't he have to do something?
A:  If he asked me that, instead of you, would you have wanted me to call you and have you do it instead? Everyone helps around here.  He will have a role to play too.  We are all part of the team.  Sometimes its your turn to play and sometimes you are on the bench.  But we are all part of the team.

Start making your children part of the family team.  It is vital to their success as young adults and it will make a big difference in your family as well.  Begin including them in some part of the family meal every day, sometimes setting the table, or washing dishes, getting the drinks, putting food away after the meal.  By having them contribute you are building confidence and value into their very core which is so important when they face challenges and pressures.  It truly is more blessed to give than receive.  They need to experience what that feels like.  And don't forget to thank them for their contribution!